I am still thinking, as I am in most of my previous writing I’ve collected for this blog, about a way to be able to express my sexuality and get my sexual needs fulfilled. I tried, very foolishly to have a conversation with a boy over text message about the things women keep silent about in sex. It did not go well, and no matter how woke and on my level in other areas a boy may seem, that does not mean he has progressed any further from the least woke man with his sexuality. Good to learn. One thing that stuck with me from that conversation was one statement.
“I don’t think I’m actively trying to block your sexuality or the way you want to be.”
And that is the problem. They don’t know. They have no concept of what they could be blocking cause they have no concept of what female sexuality truly can be. They don’t know that they are filling the metaphorical silence in sex by being the aggressor, the one to take action, the one to make the moves, to determine the pace, to direct the penis. By not giving me the space to display my sexuality, you are, in effect, blocking it. By determining which sex acts happen and when after my interest has been shown, a man is not letting me be the way I want to be.
I am lucky enough to be completely free with my body and sexuality…in my mind, conceptually, when I am alone, or when I’m in a sex work environment that enables me and gives me the power and places the rules and boundaries in my hands. All the different elements of sex work I have done have given me immense confidence in my innate sexiness, how to move my body, how to incorporate dance and sex. Dancing on stage for stripping and also years of DJing and partying at clubs around the world, dancing on stages from the age of 15 to 30, gives me confidence to enjoy my own moves. The years of masturbating and self exploration have left me deeply knowledgeable about my vagina, orgasms and their capabilities, and the likes and dislikes of my vagina. The large amount of partners I’ve had frees me from the insecurity and awkwardness of being with a new naked person. With all this freedom and confidence I am finding the deep fantasies of how I want to able to perform sexually.
However without telling a man prior to the sex that there is to be an agreement where they are a passive consumer of my sexuality and trust them to behave and react accordingly based off my wants and needs for the scenario, I cannot do this. Most men don’t want to be passive toys, as women are, so basically, I don’t get to do what I want.
The “what I want” is the subject here today. I want to write down the sex I want to have, the me I want to be able to be in the bedroom. Because I think that with the privilege of freedom I have over my mind, body and sexuality, I am actually closer to finding what is the true nature of my feminine sexuality. And what I am realizing is it is getting vaster and vaster. This is just one expression of that sexuality I wish I could share.
I want to be able to be performative in my sexual acts. I want to be a goddess. I want to show off. I don’t want to be suppressed, manipulated, have sexual acts performed on my repose body. I want to dance. I want to seduce a man and myself with moving my body in an erotic and sexual way. Dance, not like you have to in the confined, self conscious and restrained way as in a nightclub, but with the passion, excitement and abandon of having your own private sexual stage. Do floor work, roll around, climb up and down your man, move your body in ways that feels good, feel yourself. Seduce. Build up the energy and excitement. Perform.
Animals perform many rituals in order to have sex, they show off plumage, display engorged genitals, they dance together, sometimes its the male animal that has to display to get sex, sometimes its the female. Humans are no different. We would have had our animal ways of attracting each other, which has now been taken over by capitalistic and possessive displays of love. However I personally am striving to get back to the animal. I want to fulfill my natural feminine animal sexuality. Let me be a peacock every now and then.
Let me use everything I’ve learnt over the years. Let me give you a lap dance. The kind that I crave but the kind that would get me fired for giving in a professional setting. Let me grind my body all over you. Tease you. Tickle your neck. Let me use my hips, pussy and ass on your lap to work myself up, so I’m desperately horny. Clothes still on. Panties wet. Let me make eye contact with you as I slide down your body and away from you, where I can strip, sensually and with all the skill I’ve gained over my life. Not in the awkward fumbling way you would if you were locked in a kiss and trying to just get on with the sex without drawing too much attention to it. Let me keep staring at you as I show you my body, spread my legs, run my hands over my skin, pinch my nipples, and spread my wetness over my pussy. Let me show you how I touch myself. You still don’t move. I am still just displaying myself to you. Take note of what I do to my pussy. You don’t need to be doing anything more brutal to it than I do.
Let me get in your lap again, naked and spread my juices over your pants, feel me on your stomach. Your hands can touch my skin, my breasts, but you don’t need to touch my pussy. That’s not whats happening yet. Let me peel your shirt off, so you can feel my skin against yours, my lips on your neck, shoulders, chest. Let me slide down your body and tease your hips and sides, unbuckle your belt and loosen your pants. When I want it, come with me to the bed and let me pull them off. And carry on my dance with your body. Let me feel your skin, stroke you, kiss you, feel your energy, feel what your body needs. Lay back and let rub my skin all over your body. Feel how amazing it feels just to enjoy skin on skin contact. Soft smooth skin on skin is like drugs to me. I can spend hours just enjoying the sensations of having another naked human close to me. Let me roll you onto your front and I’ll give you a body massage, from tapping into what I know you need. I want to use all the parts of my body I can to give you the energy and healing you need, where you need it. Then roll you back on your back and carry on.
When you are as relaxed and open as I am, I want to step up the pace. I want you naked. I want to meet your cock. I want to look at it. Caress it. Feel how hard it is. See it, acknowlege it, comprehend it. Then I want to climb back up your body to get your tongue in my mouth. And I really want it in my mouth. I love kissing. So deep its too much. Just as long as you can do that without excess spit! I hate spit. But kiss me with force, use your tongue, get wierd and gross, but not in a tongue flicky porn kind of way, but a deep, sensual, erotic coupling. Let the kissing be everything. I dont need anything else. Roll around with it, entwine. Let me grind, dont force me down onto body parts to give me the friction YOU think I need. Show me that you will let me do what I want and what feels good to ME.
Then I want your hands on my pussy. But not in any way you know how. I dont even know how to get someone to touch my pussy in the way I want. But I know there are things I want to happen that don’t! It is something like a need for more general, light but firm stimulation, than the specifically focused, hard, aggressive attention it gets usually. I want both hands down there doing work. One isn’t enough. I don’t want you lying up here with me, your arms stretched to reach my pussy. Get down there, rest your head on my thigh if you need, but fucking work on my pussy like you’re petting a kitten. Hold it, caress it, don’t stab it with ignorant fingers, probe gently, with stimulation happening in other places at the same time. Maybe we can be top to toe so I can gently handle your cock too, teasing it, stroking it, enjoying having my own beautiful toy to play with, while you are at a easier level to reach everything I need stimulating. If you do that right, I’ll probably have already cum.
I want to move on from things when I am ready, not to be rushed, and not to carry on doing things after I loose the fire for it. I fucking love sucking dick. I love focusing entirely on how the cock feels in my mouth. I let my mouth do what it wants, all that exists in the sensations, all i am is sensual energy and pleasure. I have no body That is when I experience flow. Im not gonna play up to porn or cliches about how to suck good dick, hard, fast, deep, because that shit hurts. Im gonna suck it in the way that gets my pussy dripping between my thighs. Let me at the balls, the taint, and if I really like you, let my dip down to the little rosebud of the asshole. Do not, ever, for one second, put your fucking hands ANYWHERE near my head, shoulders, or neck. We definitely, 100% do not need that. It is fucking gross. FOR WHATEVER FUCKING REASON YOU DO IT. Unless the woman begs you to do it, dont, fucking, do it.
If I’m really wound up I might want to try to deep throat your cock. My throat is small though and I don’t need any pain. Let me deprive myself of air on your cock, let me hold it as deep as it feels good, as long as want, till when I come up for air, I’m gasping and left even more turned on. I may want to suck your cock for 5 minutes or 50 minutes. However long I’m enjoying it. And when i’m done, im done.
And when I’m done, my pussy will be so wet, that there will be a snail trail down to my knees. Enjoy it. Appreciate how fucking wet sucking your dick got my pussy. Then taste it. Let me relax for a few minutes, I’ll lay back and you can go back to using your two hands and mouth to explore my vagina. Kiss my pussy like you kiss a mouth. Its not all pokey tongue bullshit or lapping at the damn clit. If you are too fucking scared to really lock lips with a pussy, then get the fuck out of there. But I am not scared of how I taste or what is going on down there so you better not be either.
If I’m really enjoying your mouth and face on my pussy or feeling like taking control again, I wanna ride your face. Now, until recently, this was something I had never done fully. I thought I’d done it. And I did notttt like it. I would hover above a guy, not letting my weight onto him, not sure of what direction to angle my pussy, insecure, and in no way enjoying a single second of what felt like having my vagina spread and dangley with someone slopping at it. I knew nothing of what it was like to let go on top of a man. Until the last time I did it. I had already fucked his ass, and he really wanted me to fuck his face. So I did. And god damn. I sat on him with my full weight, intentionally angled myself to how my body and pussy was comfortable instead of what I felt was more comfortable for him, and rather that letting my pussy dangle in his mouth, i used his face like i would have been grinding in your lap earlier. I held his hair and i slid my pussy across his mouth from clit to asshole, pausing to get his tongue in my pussy and asshole too. I didnt care that it was a human under me. It was something that felt good for me to hump. I watched myself in the mirror and loved the power of smothering him, forcing him to take big gulps of pussy. And I came. A lot. But dont be rough with your mouth. With the weight of me on your mouth, you dont need to press up with any force. Let me decide the pressure. Let me use your face to cum.
And that is when I want to be filled up. I cant wait an longer. I need to feel your full size inside me. If I am really worked up, I can cum as soon as it slides inside me. That is the best feeling for me, and I hope the man, that his dick can make me cum instantly. So let me decide when it goes in, and how. Let me use the head of your cock to tease the entrance of my vagina, rub it over my clit, back down to my entrance and let me focus on enjoying that. Dont think that ramming it up into me as a surprise and a masculine way to fill me up, will be good for me, it wont. I can enjoy having the entrance of my pussy teased with your cock while my mouth is locked on yours for a very long time. It is one of my favorite things. The, is it gonna slip in or not. The wiggling around to get it to line up with my entrance. The feeling of my sopping wet pussy sliding over your dick, of me softly grinding against it, clenching my pelvic floor so it cant slip into my entrance. Teasing the tip inside eventually, clenching and releasing my muscles, welcoming the dick, slowly and gently into my most sensitive and special area. Let me be mentally begging for that dick to finally fill me up. Let me keep teasing my pussy as it slides inside so, when it does finally fill me up, I can cum on that cock.
Now once its deep inside me, its going in and staying in. I dont want pumping, thrusting, fucking, pounding, railing, any of that shit. I want it inside me. I wanna see how your cock feels inside me. How it fits, what angle its at, how hard it feels, how your dick makes my pussy feel. I want to be able to see what my internal muscles can do. I wanna learn what the power of my pussy truly is. I want to enjoy that deep, filling, cock embrace. Like how we started, I want to grind on you, hump your lap, feel my clit against you, all my favorite bits in contact with you (side note…do. not. shave. that. shit. or even trim it too short. i really dont fucking care, you cant do it properly anyway and I get shaving rash and DO NOTTT enjoy griding on you).
Lets find positions where the angle of your cock inside me doesnt hurt, where it rubs all the best bits, positions where I can get my externals stimulated, or enjoy you using BOTH your hands to tease around my stretched pussy and asshole. I dont want to just be on top. I want you to fuck me like I show you. Let me keep it deep inside me, without much movement, as much as i want, cause just clenching my intenal muscles around a hard, warm cock, can make me cum. When I use a vibrator at home, alone, with no one watching ( and normally, never telling anyone) , I put it in, and it stays there. I dont pump my pussy. I enjoy squeezing it in my pussy with a vibrator on my clit. However AFTER I cum, when my pussy has relaxed and softened and I’m wet and sensitive enough, I like a bit of pumping. Let me tell you when.
I want to keep riding the wave of your dick, cuming over and over on it and enjoying its size inside me. I love slowing down the passion and creating space for sensuality and simple sensation during sex. Which is why I want to be able to hold your penis inside me and massage both of our genitals with each others. Not to be carrying on the sexual intessity, but to be truly present in the feeling and sensations and subtlety, intimacy and pleasure of having our parts molded together. Its a exquisite feeling. Dont dismiss it. Dont think its boring. If you think its boring you arent fully connected to your body or me, you arent being mindful or present. Value the tiny sensations our bodies can create between each other, revel in the subtle pleasure of slow, indulgent sex.
The slower and more sensual it gets, the longer we can continue this erotic experience, and the more orgasms I will have, until you know that the next time I cum, you will cum. I want you to cum. I wanna see you getting closer and closer, feel your cock getting harder, growing inside me. I want my pussy pulsing around your cock, until i tell you to fuck me hard and to cum for me. Ideally this would be with me face down, you straddling my legs, cock deep inside me, vibrator under me so I keep cumming as you pump at my pussy, hard and fast, till you pull out and cum deep inside me (the only part of my fantasy that cant be reality) while I cum again from the vibrator on my clit.
After all that I’ll probably be quite happy to just lie there, face down, unable to move, spent. Lie back down next to me until i am ready to move and enjoy the soothing, relaxing feelings of our skin of skin. you dont need to put any items of clothes on. I dont care that your cock is soft and small or that you might not be comfortable lying around naked, I want you to be.
In an ideal world, we would smoke a joint and caress our skin and talk gently about things until one of us is ready or wanting to start something again. This time it could be different. But only if we both want that. I could probably go for 3 – 4 – 10 sessions in a night. Not all long. But lots.
This is why women can’t just tell a man what she wants or likes. Its not as simple as, dont rub my clit so hard. Or use two hands please. Or sit back while I tease you. Its the whole act I want to lead. To show what I like and can do. With all my experience and confidence, even I cannot verbalize what I want or more specifically how to do it. What I want isnt to be “dominant” but to have the same lead role men usually do in the performance of pleasure for another. Its such a subtle shift in the sexual dynamic there is no equally subtle way to describe it or communicate it. We have to put our bodies in mens hands to trust they will do their best with it and that we will like it. Well I dont want or need to do that anymore.
How do I get to act out my alpha sexuality without telling a man, “you just sit there babe and let me do this, I got this. I have more experience and know my body better than you do, so just let me take care of the situation.” This desire I have isnt like saying I wanna try pegging, or splooshing. Its a power shift that cant be verbalized. Normal heterosexual men cant take it. Their ego and sexuality is too fragile. they want to impress. They want to perform. I dont want to have all the control all the time. I want the opportunity to have the control in the same way men do, when I want to, 50/50. I want men put their sexual experience in my hands and let me be the one directing and maneuvering and manipulating bodies. Let me share my expertise and have it appreciated like i do when I’m getting paid to fuck. Let me enjoy a mans body. Let me objectify his parts. Let me lust over his ass and nipples. Let me perform my true sexuality. Cause Ive got this. All women do, if we have the freedom to find out what our true nature, sexuality and desires are and we are given the space and freedom to perform them.