I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.
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This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into my high brain. the high version of me doesnt see all the evil things and interpretations of someones actions. high me doesnt instantly think someone is lying or tricking me or manipulating me. i take peiple for their word. i trust. i believe they think well of me and like me. im comfortable and happy. but what is the right way to be. which one is right? which one is real? which should i trust?which one should i act upon? now im high i can see how darkly i view other people and their intentions. i immediately go to them…
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As a sex worker and a artist, my sex work is my art and my art is my sex work. How can it be seperate? How can anyone know that everything I do in my sex work has a artistic, intentional concept, when that concept is to be a sex worker being authentically myself? Where does the work stop and the art begin? How can I be focusing on my art when I need it as work to make me money to survive in the world? Its kind of like a artist having to make work that is more commercial so they can make thier conceptual pieces. Sitting on cam, slogging away to make enough money to eat and pay rent, doesnt feel like art. But the fact that I have chosen sex work to survive is art. The way I work, the snapshot, slip shod, overly real, emotional, reactive, reality I expose is the art. But it also just who I am and have no control over. But that free sharing of my authentic self in its painful reality is why its art. Im not performing being a sex worker. I am pushing the concept of sex work and its intersection with the self and my art as one whole piece. Like Lady Gaga. She is Lady Gaga. But becoming a pop star was her perfromance art. She isnt a false persona. But her choice to share her real self in that role is the art. I could perform…
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I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in the same room as. Typing in to the void of the internet, even when there is a friend on the other end who will teply, is all I have. Text online is my main communication medium. So here we go. Im too lonely to get on cam. I get this once a month ish, where it just gets too much. Travelling for so long, being entirely alone in this country, having no friends and having no men interested in me (that shouldnt be paying me), and not having had sex or any intimate touch for so long, just gets too…
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I had a problem with my essay on Perfomative Sex pretty much since I wrote it. It was too basic. Too similar to scripts currently being acted out sexually. Too close to a woman having to show off and perform for a man like she already does. I didnt quite capture the essense of the concept I was trying to share. After a sexual experience last week I was given the insight I needed to clarify this and expand upon it. Maybe even tear it up all together.
i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up” is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light. as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax…
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https://od.lk/s/NjlfMjQ5NDE4MjRf/IMG_1975.mp4 https://od.lk/s/NjlfMjQ5NDE4MjRf/IMG_1975.mp4
Conceptual sex Taking the masculine role work concept real life sex concept work male role, setting boundaries, trying to avoid problemactic languare and scenarios, not performing patriachal female stereotypes - aesthetically or behaviourally wearing no make up hairy taking control showing myself off rather than like giving a twirl for approval not answering things i dont agree with schooling people on what they are doing is problematic taking on the male role taking space for me to
They deleted my account. For a non rule violation. So now I’m sharing my life in much greater real time detail on OnlyFans. OnlyFans.com/SkySmith Expect WAYYYY more than that shit. Sex life and Bus Life Reality!!!
So what if I was to write some blogs while I was on cam and it is super slow. hmmm. Lets try a random number generator 102 - Dave Babeshadow 220 - Liverpool Threesome I guess I’ll start with the threesome. I am not 100% sure where the night started. I was back in England for a final trip before going back to Australia for a couple of years. I think i;d been out with my gay friend in my home town. I might have even been out with my stepsister. Either way, I ended up at a Holiday Inn with 2 dudes from Liverpool. I was excited to start writing this one but now I cant remeber anythung that happened. Just that we were on the bed next to the bathroom and a threesome was had. I dunno if I DPed them. At the.......
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be…
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I am DONE with men. All men. It is time, after 30 years of putting them first and getting zero in return, to cut the fuckers out my life. I have spent the last few years being incredibly protective and defensive of myself after years of abuse and harassment from men. Men in the street, at bars and clubs, on dating apps, in relationships, after one night stands. Over and over. It got to the point where I couldn't leave my house without at least 5 men sexually approaching me EVERY DAY. The first year in the bus I didn't wear shorts once. I wore hats, large clothes, baggy hoodies, to hide my femininity, so men wouldn't see an attractive woman alone in a bus. I have spent the last 5 years avoiding all social situations where I have to interact with men where I don't know their intentions. I have called other women stupid for putting themselves in obvious situations with men that lead them to being harrased, raped, hit on, or attacked. It had gotten to the point where I knew it was irresponsible for me or other women to be alone with any man you aren't sexually interested in yourself. I've had married bosses proposition me, tour leaders on trips rape me, strangers approach me constantly. One time I've given an older man the benefit of the doubt during a nice chat at starbucks that seemed genuine, intelligent and platonic, and gave him my number so we…
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I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more. I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its "real work", not cause i want a job, not cause I'm forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time doing, Its what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is what makes me want to exist. I am so sick of the narratives around sex work. I'm sick of hearing sex workers claim their right to "real work". I'm sick of people who have no inkling of what it is like to sell sex, that it is oppressive and bad for people. I'm sick of people ignoring the massive mental health crisis that is emerging from the lack of intimacy in our lives. I'm sick of men shooting people cause they don't have access to…
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I have been trying to define my current sexuality for some time now and the best I can come up with is that I have the sexuality of a man. I am striving for that big dick energy of a 40 something rich fat man, laying back, smoking a cigar, making young pretty things do what he wishes, twirl around on his dick and try their hardest to impress him and keep him happy...Dan Bilzarian...even though he isnt fat. I have been struggling for quite some time with the concept of Female Domination, being a Domme, a Dominatrix, and FemDom. Im not sure when it happened, probably came from repeated interactions online at work, where I realised that the majority of men who want to be dominated, want the role of a dominatrix played out on them. The vast majority of FemDom porn and performers stick to the script. Dress a certain way, behave a certain way, act out certain behaviours and attitudes. Be mean, wear intense outfits, cause pain, humiliate him...all in the way HE wants. HE wants to be treated a certain way and he is making a woman do that to him. Yes the women "want" to domme in that way, cause that was BDSM is. But do they "want" to in the same way they "want" to wear make up or "want" to be empowereed in any of the other ways capitalism and the patriachy has scripted for us? Is the want from a lack of…
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I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don't have my original list to hand, so I don't know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic my glory days were over, I wouldn't be able to kiss 10 in a night ever again, I was too old, past it. Alas it was not to be. I had barely even started. I dunno why I always wanted to kiss as many people as possible. But I did. I would just walk up to people and snog them. No chat, no knowing who they were or if they were single. Just walk up and kiss. One time I walked up to a group of boys, closed my eyes, span in a circle with my finger pointing in front…
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the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing. i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another. so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too. was able to finish tidying and get ready for work
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for feeling se depressed and fucked up when my life isnt as bad as it is painful. everything is even more painful at the moment due to my isolation. i withdrew cause of trauma and hurt and repeated relationship failures and my bpd characteristics ruining relationships. but now im so far from reality and bpd has taken over so much, i dont feel capable of forming healthy relationships, or coping with them while they occur. all the evidence i have shows me that any relationships will end anyway. and when it ends it could hurt so bad and could ruin my…
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I wanted to write about lonliness but i just got so angry and hate every one that i dont think I can. I am at walmart for the night and this fucking cunt just parked next to me in this junk old rig and left their noisy ass engine running which then reminded me that the same junk ass looking rv woke me up at 5 o fucking clock the other day by having the same earth shaking, piece of shit engine running for half an hour. at 5 o fucking clock. how are people so fucking inconsiderate and ignorant.This whole country is just inconsideration and ignorance. I dont think i can stand it much longer. the people are so fucking awful it has ruined my whole life. its fucked up my mental health. i got abused. mulitple times. friendship over here is a joke. money goes out faster than it comes in and every single person over here is lying about what they are really like. the whole nation is blind to itself. ohhhh we are so caring and christian and friendly and kind. No they arent, They are the exact opposite. they would step on anyone in a second to get one over for themselves. Dont tread on me. Dont fuck me over cause im fucking you over. dont stop me being a ignorant cunt who steps on everyone else. freedom. americaaaa. yeah this isnt what real life is like. you know. in civilised countries. like england and…
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