My body, my skin, reaches out for you, for all of you, for every part of you.I want to envelop the soft flesh that holds your inner landscape,the map that is you.I can feel it through your skin.I can see everything your body has been. I want to hold and soothe and see all the pain and trauma, joy and freedom in your sinews. My inner map is open to you.There is enough space in here for all of you.Nothing here scares me. Use it as a way into you.Find where our maps overlap and walk into yours with the curious spirit of fearless adventure I have within me. I can see the map in you, in every muscle, in your skin, in what is seen as the body containing the soul within. Your body isn’t just a vessel. It has been shaped and holds barely beneath a thin surface… Read More "I Broke My Celibacy. This Is What I See."
Today Tuesday 17th October
Testing using this off line. When I’m done ovulating I am in the perfect brain to get shit done. Do website. Write. Ovulation is free to be a sexy rebel. connect to body. Enjoy being horny. Generate balance and grace. Period is whatever I want. No socials. Post period, direct. Percolate. Look but don’t talk. Pre period. Delete social media. Walk. Move. Travel. Drive. Brain storm ideas. Read More "Today Tuesday 17th October"
In the Bus
Out with Kitty and Bussy for a reset after my trip to England. A bit lost in life. But finding myself in the spaces. A lot of my struggles can be relieved by soothing my body. Letting it relax, expand, dropping fight or flight responses. Only then can I find the freedom in my humanity. Read More "In the Bus"
The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me.
The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught… Read More "The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me."
Diary
Back to work today after Moms visit. Feeling a bit foggy brained. Had Patrick, spoke to Dad. Watching Andy Warhol Documentary while I get ready. Feeling artistic and inspired. Read More "Diary"
Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date
I make a point of letting them know this isnt a dating site and it doesnt matter where I am. Cause no way in hell will I be leading these people on and letting them think asking sex workers where they live is ok. Id rather kill boners and educate idiots that I dont even want paying me, than perpetuate problematic ideas in sex work. Read More "Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date"
C-PTSD
I’m slowly moving out of CPTSD. My relationship that caused it ended 6 years ago. I have done two years of therapy 2-5 hours a week. Not just for CPTSD but everything feels like it’s coming together. I wanted to share to say, it can get better. There is progress. Things are possible to learn like DBT/CBT skills and they work. It’s fucking intense hard work to fix yourself, but I promise it’s worth it. Read More "C-PTSD"
30th January 2021
i am denser, more round and heavier but i am smaller and take up less space. im not as big and vague as i thought, im contained and tight. i never wanted to look like i was trying not even trying to hold my body up Read More "30th January 2021"
Lonliness
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in… Read More "Lonliness"
i cant take it any more
I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more. I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time… Read More "i cant take it any more"
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for… Read More "why there is so much pain."